Joseph William DeMatthews

My Joey,
WHat can I say. I have no words inside me.
You of all people know how I feel. You have to know that I am just barely making it everyday. You are my baby boy and always will be. I have always been there for you and Wayne. You would come to me almost everyday day and say Mom I need this or Mom I should I do about that. It was always Mom no matter what and I would help you out or give you advise. You know Mom was always there for you. I still am no matter what.
I would never let anyone or anything thing hurt you. I tried with all my might to guide you the right way.
Not that anyone would hurt you, but it was just your kindness that I don't think you really saw through the people that took advantage of you because of your kindness you were and was always there.
You could never say no or I was busy.
You were always there to help out no matter what. Just like your Mom. I just wish sometimes that we did listen to Dad.
We just never saw the bad in anyone.
We just wanted to help whoever needed it.
That is just our make-up and who we are.
I don't regret anything that I did to help or even just to be a shoulder for someone to lean on and cry. And I know you don't either.
You are just the sweetess person I have ever known and its just not because you are my son.
I am so and always will be so proud of you and what you became for the short time you where here. God only knows what you would have become if you never left.
You could have been anything you wanted to be Joey, you have so much inside to give and your heart, what can I say about that.
You have the biggest Heart of anyone I know or met through the years.
That is why I am so proud that you are mind. There aren't too many people out there that I can say the same about.
You are so special and always will be to me, Dad, your Brother, your nieces, your nephews and so many other family members and friends.
People that you touched at work and people that you came in contact with.
Your kindness, smile and true innocence about you always came through.
People could feel that and see that about you.
Your smile was something else what can I say
it just lite up your whole face and that sweetness just came out that it would effect other people. It was so contagious
that even if so one was not in a good mood or depressed about something you would just make them forget about everything even if it was for that moment.
That is why I just always say how special and how Lucky I was that you where mind.
That is why I am in the condition I am in I miss you with all my being.
I cannot wait to be with you again.
I cannot wait to hug and kiss my beautiful son again. And my heart with be whole once again.
I will talk to you later my sweet son.
I love and miss you forever and always.
Mom Forever.

My Sweet Angel,
I just wanted to let you know that there isn't a day, a minute or even an hour that goes by and a tear will roll down our face.
As much as YOU especially know along with everyone who knows us we are so lost here.
I try so very hard Joe just to make it through the day and then I say what for.
What is this all for. I try to understand and I tell you that all the time but I just can't. You and your brother is what I live for. I know I have to be here for Wayne and I will until I go just like you did.
Why do all the good people go and all the mean people, the ones in jail who did something horrific. Someone tell me.
Our hearts are so broken and so empty inside it is the most terrible feeling ever.
Well you took half of mine when you left me.
And you know Joe the holidays are coming up so fast I don't even know where this year has gone to. But all I know is how much you loved answering the door for all the kids to give them candy and see what they where wearing. I said to your father I am just not going to make it.
When you drive around the corner that one house that always decorates for the holiday
I can't even look at it when I pass by.
I just am not the same person I use to be.
Your father said the same thing.
I always tell him that horrible day when I lost you, I lost something else.
I don't feel the same, I don't laugh anymore and I just am so tired. I can't get excited about anything.
I miss you calling me everyday. Seeing you everyday when I came home from work.
Everything Dad or myself do anything around the house it just reminds us of you.
As if you are still here. Your just at the gym or working.
I don't know if I told you because I really don't remember alot of things anymore.
But Dad put a nightlight in the hallway by your bedroom ever since that nightmare.
I mentioned it to him one morning only because I saw it lite by your room, and he said so Joe can see.
If he gets up in the middle of the night or if he comes home he can see where he is going and he doesn't bang into the table even though there is a switch on the wall that lites up the whole hallway and that you always put on.
So you know Joey, he's been putting it on everynight.
I am so use of seeing it now that I just think that he's right, you need to see at night.
I know that sounds crazy if anyone else reads this but maybe that is comforting us.
Dad has his own thing he does during the day and at night before his turns in.
And if that comforts him so be it.
Because I have so many of my own.
Well my sweet boy I will talk to you later.
I love and miss you forever and always.
Mom Always!

Hi my sweet baby,
I am just sitting here and feel lost. Actually I feel so lost everyday Joe.
I just hate this feeling. I just wish with all my heart that you were here with us.
It just is not the same. It will never be the same. All I keep saying is I want my baby back. This can't be true, it just can't.
It's like the worst nightmare anyone could ever have. I just hate waking up I hate it,
because then the realization hits me like a ton of bricks.
This is everyday. I love and miss you so much.
Well my sweet boy I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi my sweet baby boy,

I have had so much on my mind lately baby.
I just need to talk to you and I have so much to tell you I wish you were.
Joe, you know this world is so crazy with all the hate in it and fighting all over the world it just dosen't make sense.
I use to tell you that all the time.
How crazy things were.
I don't know why. God did not intend for this to be.
So many people and people I didn't even know will write to me and tell me how sweet and what a very nice person you are.
Of course I already knew this, but it is so nice to hear it. That you were the same outside as you were when you where home and once you walked out the front door.
They also tell me that I was so lucky that God gave you to me for all those years and I should feel special that he chose me to raise you.
But that you did what you had to do and touch the people that you touched with your kindness that he needed his angel back because you had alot of work to do with him.
Joe, with all my heart, soul and mind I want to believe that so much but, I am having such a very hard time with that.
I just can't comprehend it. All I know and feel is that I want my baby back here with me. I need you.
Maybe I am being selfish I don't know but what I do know is that when you are here with me I kept you safe and I took care of you and I felt better and I knew you were ok. I don't think anyone can take care and the love they have for their child like a mother can.
I know it seems like me, me, me, but that is how I feel.
I will never except it or like it, I had you all these years and you are my son forever and always.
Nothing can or will ever change that.
They also say I will see you when I leave this earth, you will be waiting for me.
I pray that it is true. Because that is what gets me up everyday. Like I said before "I take day by day", that is all I can do at this point in my life.
I lost everything that day you were taken from me. (When I lost You).
I feel different inside. I am not the same person I was.
Everything is so different. I even look at everything differently.
Nothing upsets me or bothers me I just have a attitude like I just don't care.
You know that isn't me. But when you were taken from me, my precious son, nothing seems that important to me.(Everything inside I lost). I lost half of my heart.
There is nothing in this world that can come my way to hurt or devastate me at all or ever again. You know Joe there still are so many wonderful people out there that talk to me and feel my pain and say such wonderful things to me, and I really appreciate it, and they will even say I can't even image what you are going through but I will put you in my prays and you will see Joey soon.
My sweet angel that day cannot come soon enough for me.
I just don't know why it wasn't me instead of you, like I said you had so much life left and so much to do yet.
It was just too quick and never ever would I believe this would happen to us, EVER!
Dad, Wayne Jr and Me got hit the hardess. You and Wayne were the best of friends for all those years growing up together. You always counted on him for everything. Your big brother you knew he was always there whenever you needed him. And you where always there for him no matter what. You guys could've been mad at each other but all you had to do was call and he'd be there.
That is true love between brothers.
I know Wayne he is so much like you Joe, he keeps everything inside. He lost his best friend that day. With all his strenght and being he did everything and I mean everything.
Wayne will never be the same. He along with the rest of us lost something precious to him. He hurts so much inside. I know my kids and I just wish I can do something. I am dying inside myself, but I want to help him no matter how I feel you kids always come first and always will no matter.
All I can say is that your brother saves lives everyday and continues to do so. I know that it kills him that he couldn't with you and believe you know Wayne he did everything and more and never stopped.
That is why I always say and I am so proud of you two that you guys are so special that there are no words in the world that can express or tell or explain how special my son's are. You know that because I would always say that to the both of you, and it wasn't because I was your mother, you guys are the real deal.
You guys are the best, my world and always were and always will be.
That is one thing that I know is true, I was blessed with two beautiful, smart, kind, sweet, bighearts and just wonderful boys. That is why I always lived my life for you guys. And as far as Dad, there are no words he is so proud of his sons and feels exactly the same way I do. There isn't anything he wouldn't do for you two.
We were so lucky to have you guys. That's all I can say, there are really no words to really express down deep inside of us to say everything we have to say about you two.
Well my sweet angel I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom forever

My Joe,

Hi my sweet baby boy. That is what you will always be to me, always. We miss you so much Joe.
You were always like the young beautiful presents around.
Always made everyone laugh or smile even if they were feeling down.
You just didn't like to see anyone feeling bad.
You were just so full of life and brought so much joy and happiness to everyone.
You were always there for your family or friends who ever was in need, you made sure you were there to give a hand or even if they needed a ear or shoulder.
You were like everyone's big savior or at least to tried to be.
But only your family and friends who really knew you especially me Joe your Mom knew that your "HEART" was bigger than the size of you.
But the people that you met in your path of life Joe, you have touched them in one way or another.
Just by the letters and the tributes they write.
You are the best!
I am so proud to be called your Mom by you and Wayne Jr.
You too are my Pride and Joy. Always were and Always will be, Until we are together again.
I just and must see and hold you again.
And I will. I pray for that every minute of everyday.
I not only write you honey everyday but I talk to you. I hope you hear me everyday.
I kiss your picture everyday and then just hold it close to me for a bit.
It is something I just have to do.
Well my sweet angel I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always!
Mom Forever

Hi my sweet baby,
How are you? I have been in some kind of mode lately, Joe. I just don't know. All I do know is that the holidays are right around the corner and I didn't even realize it for that matter I really haven't realized alot of things Joe. I do not keep track of time. I know every Halloween you went to Horror Night in Orlando.
You just loved going there every year.
I just don't know what or how we are going to make it through all of this.
Wayne has been coming over alot when he is home. That helps so much I can't even begin to say.
We need him. Dad needs him.
I don't want to put any, any pressure on him, he has enough to deal with. The driving alone is too much.
Joe, your brother misses you so much and you know Wayne just like Dad he keeps everything inside. Since he was little.
But the only thing is they are like time bombs waiting.
They have so much saddness, anger and mixed emotions since that horrible, horrible nightmare day.
I just along with them love and miss you so much.
Everyday I want to talk to you and tell you things.
I miss that so much.
Like I said before I hate it so much that I have to write to you to tell you things that ordinary I would call you or tell you when I got home.
But Dad said that we will see you soon.
And I can talk to you forever and ever.
I just worry about him, because for some reason he is just so bad.
Its like it is starting all over again.
I don't know, I guess it's just the way the mind works.
Who knows, I don't know anything anymore Joe.
Well my sweet angel I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi my Angel,
Just saying how much I love and miss you as always.
Wayne is coming over today with the kids.
He has been doing that every saturday.
It is fun and it keeps our mind off of you.
The kids have a ball escpecially with Bella.
Remember when they were little and would spend almost every weekend over and then sunday would come and they would cry.
It use to break our hearts.
I guess because when they were here they were the king and queens.
They miss you Joe. They miss how you would play and tease them all the time.
I miss that they grew up with you.
It is something because no matter what goes on during the day or what we do we always see you. You are always here no matter what.
That is what I mean when I say you were such a BIG part of us and this family.
You are all around. Your father has such bad days, that most of the time he can't even function because he will always say Joe and I did that, or Joey helped me with this.
You are all around him.
Everything is the same honey all your things are still in your room the way you left them and they will stay like that until I am no longer around or Dad.
Nothing is touched nor will it be.
I do smell your dress shirts now and then, the new ones that you and me got at the mall just before the holidays. You know you guys always got early gifts always it seem like it was a holiday everyday with you two.
But Your smell is on your clothes, your room smells of you.
It does take me a while to go into your room because I just lose it. I keep the door shut. But when I do it just sets me back so much further than I already am. And yet it makes me feel like you are home but you are just out at the gym or something.
I guess that colonge you always wore just stays with you. Remember Dad would always say to you when you were going out and come into our room and say I'll be back, he say Joe what did you do put the whole bottle on you, remember the whole house would smell like you. You and me would laugh. Even when I wear perfume he makes a comment, he just has a sensitive sense of smell and his sinuses are bad.
Well my baby I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom forever

Hi my sweet boy,

It's Mom just telling you how much you are missed and loved. I know you already know that. But it makes me feel better. Just like when you were here, how I would hug you and tell you I love you.
Then when I would make you say it back to me when you had friends over, you would get so embarrassed and say "oh Mom" and your face would get red but you said it.
That is just the shyness you always had.
The sweetness of you. That is what I miss so much I can't stand it.
I just miss you being around all the time even if you were in bed sleeping I knew you were home and safe.
I have been reading alot lately. I am hoping that it makes me feel somewhat better or even a little something anything I don't care. Maybe help me understand or make sense of this. My mind just goes crazy every waking moment it never stops thinking.
By the time I go to bed I feel so exhausted.
Well my sweet baby I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi my Angel,

It's just another day, and another day of pain, emptyness and anger. You know me Joe I am never angry at anything or anybody. I always had a smile on my face no matter what just like you and always there to help who ever was in need. I never had really anything to be angry about, because I always had my family around. There may have been minor things that bothered me but I always took care of them. I always wanted to make sure everything was ok. with everyone.
As long as everyone was happy and doing find that is all I needed.
But now I am so angry and I don't like that feeling at all.
Your father who is not doing well at all just like the rest of us, will say to me Deb, I haven't seen that smile at all not even a small one or a fake one. At least when he would see me smiling he would say wow that smile is something it just brightens up your face and you seem so happy and content. I just don't have it in me to smile there is nothing to be happy about. Just like you my sweet baby your smile was something else. It just brighten up your face and you were so beautiful.
The world will not be the same without your kindness here. The way you were always there to help anyone even if you didn't know them.
That is what is so special about you.
You would walk into a room, mall anywhere and people would stop and look at you.
It was not only your beauty, size there is something about you that just shined on the outside.
You had that quality about you. Everyone saw it.
Well my beautiful Angel I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Forever Mom

Hi my Joe,

It's morning time early but you know me I can't sleep. Once I get up I just can't lay there, because my mind starts to wonder.
You know Joe tomorrow is October 1st. The only reason why I am telling you is because so many people are saying can you believe we are going into October.
I am not even aware of the time or months.
You know since this horrible thing happened to you I do not even count the days, weeks or months. Alot of people do, I don't.
Don't ask me why but I just don't.
Maybe I do not want to know I can not explain it. All I do know is every minute, hour, day, week and month is the same to me. I don't want to count the days that you have been gone.
All I do know is that everyday, every week and every month to me is the same, the same pain, emptyness I feel and it doesn't matter what day or month I am in.
I just know it will never ever be the same here and I don't even know what here is anymore.
This life is crazy and there is too much saddness and pain in this world.
And yes Joe, believe it Mom for the first time does not have an answer.
I wish every day I did, but I surely do not.
All I do know is that when we are together again that smile on my face will come back, the pain and emptyness will have dissappeared.
I wish I knew that to. When.
My life will then feel like it use to full again. Knowing I have my kids all together again. It's strange you know. Life is so uncertain and full of the unknown from day to day. It would be so much easier if we knew. So until whenever I will live my life like this with the pain, emptyness and always wondering why. But Joe believe me that wondering will not be long. I love you babe.
I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi my Angel,

It's Mom. I just needed to talk with you again. I know I write you everyday but today I need you.
I miss that so much I can't even express it into words.
Those days when I need to talk to you and hold you. Today is one of those days.
I mean everyday I want to hold and kiss you everyday not one day goes by that I wish that, but today Joe I just need you. It just seems like forever and I don't know how much longer I can go on without you and other times it seems like yesterday.
I hate it.
Well my sweet child I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always!!!
Mom

Hi My Sweetie,

It's Mom. Boy Joe after my surgery I thought my hands were going to be ok. Let me tell you sometimes I think that they are worse now than they were before the surgery.
I am in so much pain more so in my right than left. I just bare with it.
There is only ONE thing in this world that put me in the worst pain in my life and will be there until I am with you.
So anything after you my baby is nothing.
I would give anything even my own life just so you could have your's back.
You were so full of life and had so much left to do.
That is why I don't understand any of this.
All the help I was going for all the counsuling all of it.
There is nothing in this world that can help me or even make me feel alittle bit better. NOTHING!!!
I just want to see your beautiful face and wonderful smile and hear you laugh.
Well my sweet angel I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Your Mom

Hi Sweetie,

Well the kids were here all day yesterday.
They all had fun of course, they kept me very busy but that was good.
Wayne is doing ok. He keeps busy with work and the kids.
He misses his brother very much just like the rest of us.
There just was not enough time.
He wanted to grow old with you. His only brother.
There was so much he had planned for both of you and when he thinks about it he gets down and sad so I know him as much as you do he tries to put it out of his mind and tries to think of the good times you two had growing up all thoses years. My heart just breaks for him and ther is nothing I can do to change or help him.
We are all like that.
That is what someone special like you did to all of us.
I am letting Danielle know so don't you worry. I know you know.
Well my beautiful son I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always!
Your Mom

Hi Baby,

It's Mom. Wayne and the kids are coming over today to spend the day and go in the pool.
I know you would just love it and be right there with everyone.
That was you, you just loved company, you looked forward to that so much.
You would be right there in the middle of everything and also saying Mom I am hungry.
As always you and your brother.
But that is what I loved and lived for.
You were such a BIG part of all of that with your smile, laugh and just your comments.
We all miss you Joe!
You are my world. And Never Ever did I think I would have to be doing this.
And my life so empty and living the way we are. Never and I still do not have any words to WHY!
Well my sweet Baby I will talk to you Later!
I love and miss you.
I love you Forever and Always.
Mom

Hi Baby,

Just a short note to tell you how much I love you and miss you. Well another week went by. Like I keep telling you I don't know where the time is going.
Your brother came here today right from work.
He spent hours with Dad. Which made me so happy. I told you how he has been. I finally told Wayne today on the phone.
I just cannot keep it to myself anymore.
The four of us need each other like always.
I didn't want to put that on him, but I just didn't know what else to do.
I guess down deep inside of me I knew he needed to know. It just makes me so nervous to see him going down hill.
I guess now I know how he felt with me.
But it will always be that way until we are all reunited.
Maybe Wayne can talk to him or something I don't know.
He is bringing the kids over again this Saturday (tomorrow) to spend the day again and go in the pool.
I told Wayne that is very good for Dad.
He needs that. It keeps his mind busy.
Well my sweet baby I will talk to you later.
I Love you forever and always!!
Your Mom