Joseph William DeMatthews

HI my sweet baby,
As you know today is Dad's birthday.
But you know Joe he is so down he just like me will not celebrate anything again without you being here.
He took out the card you gave him last year and put it on the dining room table, like we do with all the cards every year.
Thank your Mom for always keeping things like that.
But remember when Wayne called your father and said well Dad your birthday is going to be continued, because your granddaughter was born this morning.
Your father was so happy he couldn't stop smiling. He had a smile from ear to ear.
So we can celebrate this day because it is also Alexa's day.
She is 8 today Joe can you believe it.
I told you that they are getting so big and growing up so fast before our eyes.
Well my sweet, beautiful son I love and miss you so much and I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi my beautiful son,
Just wanted to let you know how much I miss you, and everyone else.
This year is going by so fast Joe.
It has been such a blur to me. I try so hard not to think about it.
Well my love I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always!
Your Mom

Hi my sweet baby,

Just writing to tell you how much I miss and Love you.
It's just will never be the same.
It's awful here without you. Dad misses you so much Joe it's like he is lost without you here with him.
You just were such a BIG, BIG part of our lives.
Nothing will ever be the same. Nothing.
Until we see you and hold you again.
Well I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi my Baby,
It's Mom. Just telling you how much I love you.
The kids were over yesterday with your brother and they all went swimming. They had so much fun and Dad and Wayne were in too.
I know you would have been right in there with them.
It is so sad in this house without you here.
When the kids are over and your brother or we go see Wayne III at his football game we enjoy it. It keeps our minds from thinking to much.
Not that we don't think of you because we know you would be right there watching him.
But when we are alone in the house it is just quiet, sad and lonely with you not here.
I guess it will always be like that until we are all together.
Well my baby I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi my baby,

Just came back from little Wayne's III football game.
Oh Joe you would love it and you would also laugh. Wayne is the coach.
Alexa is the cheerleader for their team.
Amy is the coach for them.
It is so cute to watch them. We have it all on film Aubree had the camcorder because I couldn't see so she taped the whole game.
They are getting so big.
They always talk about Uncle Joe.
They know but they still talk about you as if you were still home.
They are so innocent.
They miss you so much. Of course they go in your room like always and little Wayne plays your x-box. Especially the HULK tape.
They are going to come over as soon as they go home and change to go swimming.
You would be right there with them in the pool.
We just are so sick with that feeling of your presence not here.
That will never go away ever.
Well my beautiful boy I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi My Sweet Baby,

Just writing my daily note to you. Bella gives you a big kiss.
She still is so cute Joe. She misses you.
Like we all do. Dad has just been so bad for the past couple of months.
I really have never seen him like this.
All he keeps saying is he cannot believe it.
It's not true. You are still here.
It's so hard to see him in this condition.
He has so much anger though.
Like I said in the beginning our life and both him and me and your brother will never ever be the same.
You touched so many people and made such a impression in so many people lives.
No one will ever forget you. And they don't.
It's like you are off to college or something.
Boy I wish that was true.
I wish so many things. And still wonder about so much and want so many answers.
But I guess I will have to see.
Well my love I will talk to you later.
Love you forever and always.
Mom

Hi my sweet boy,
Here we are again Joe. I went and saw Danielle yesterday, like I told you I was going.
She said she is doing ok. She looks good but of course she always looks good even when she isn't. She did put on a little more weight. She did lose alot.
But we talk and she is ok.
Me on the other hand I wish a can gain a couple of lbs. back.
But you know me.
All I have to be is stressed out one day you know I can't eat and immediatly I lose weight. That's how I have always been.
When I am upset I can't eat.
Well maybe one day who knows.
All I know is nothing will be the same here without you around.
Like I said many times you were a big part of this family, since you were a baby.
And I miss all that.
No one saying Mom are my pants done or is that certain shirt you want to wear.
All the towels that have to be washed.
Remember you use to drive us nuts with those.
But that was Joe, everyone has somethimg about them.
Well my love I will write to you to later.
I love you forever and always!
Your Mom

Goodmorning Joe,

Another day and another hot one.
I am going to Danielle's today. I was suppose to go yesterday, but I just was not feeling good.
So I am going today. I want to see her anyway. It's been about a week and I just want to make sure she is ok.
You know me I worry about all you guys.
I just wish I wasn't that type of person.
That is why my mind is always going.
I know that use to make you kids crazy.
But if I don't worry about you guys who would.
Plus that is just my makeup and always has been since the day I had you and Wayne.
I just feel better knowing that you guys are doing ok out in this world.
Not that I don't trust you its just everything around this place and I just worry no matter where we are.
You know even in Jersey I had to know all the time where you two were.
I think the whole neighborhood knew you and Wayne's name.
Remember how we use to laugh about it.
But you guys must have aged me 20 years.
Remember even when we moved here I use to say I wish I was the type of Mom who didn't worry so much. It didn't matter how old you guys got I just needed to know my boys were ok.
When you would call me or you were home I was able to relax.
Oh well.
OK my baby I will write to you later.
I love you forever and always
Your Mom

Hi my sweet Boy,

Just writing my usually note to you.
Nothing is new everything is still the same.
Thank goodness I go this week to get this bandage off my arm.
It is driving me crazy.
I know you would be laughing.
Yeah, but you would have to be doing things for me.
So I would get the last laugh Joe.
I am just missing you so much.
Especially things like this. I know you would be asking me what I needed you to do.
Just everything in general that goes on everyday, I miss you not here.
I just can't stand it.
Sometimes I get so mad that I want to scream and other times all I do is cry.
I have so many different feeling inside me that I don't know which way to go or what to do.
Everyday is different. That is what's so crazy about all of this.
All I know is that I cannot wait to be with you again.
Well my baby I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Your Mom forever

Hi My Baby,

It is very early in the morning Joe, but I could not sleep.
I have alot of days like that.
I hate them. I just want to be able to sleep completely through the night.
But I just can't sometimes.
When I start dreaming which I seldom do I usually wait up.
It always seems to be so early in the morning when the whole world is still sleeping.
But I don't mind because it is so quiet it gives me time to sit here and think and write to you. The thinking part I do not care for but I can't stop my mind even thou I try.
No matter what the day brings it is always or what is happening that day or going on you are always and I mean always on my mind.
I just wish you were here so badly.
I try to stop thinking so much but I can't it is just the way I am.
I talk to God everyday and ask so many questions and I still am waiting for an answer or some kind of direction.
I just want some answers I guess.
I want to know so many things.
Of course the first is WHY.
I keep asking that question first before all the other ones I have.
But nothing as of yet.
I pray every day and ask.
Maybe I will have my answers soon.
Who knows, because I sure don't.
Some days I wonder why am I even here.
Why was this allowed to go on to such  a close and happy family for so long.
Why is it. Why would this happen and change everyone's life for the worst.
Make everyone cry all the time, sad all the time and just change people's life forever.
There is just so many things I want to know and really no one has the answer's.
That is why I can't understand alot of this.
All I know is my heart, body, mind and soul are broke and lost forever.
I will never ever be the same person I was.
With you not here nothing is the same, we are not the same.
But inside me you will always be. I carry you with me always and forever until whatever and whenever I will be with you again Joe.
Well my sweet boy I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always!
Your Mom

Hi my sweet baby,

It's Mom Just sending you my love and telling you I miss you so much.
Everyday just seems to be harder and harder.
Everyone that has talked to us tells us that it will get easier as time goes by, but you will never get over it.
Well it does not get easier in fact it seems to get harder and harder.
Just knowing you will not be walking through the front door.
Or hearing you call me or calling me on the phone.
Or coming in my room and telling me you are hungry.
It just gets worst everyday.
I don't know I guess it's because we were so close.
I guess I will be like this until we are reunited.
Especially now that this year has gone by so fast, before I know it the holidays will be coming around again. I really do not know what I am going to do.
I think this year went by so fast because it has been a big blur to me, and I do not realize what day or time it is.
I know it is a horrible way to live but considering what had happen it is the only way I am leaving right now.
I look at your picture and still cannot believe you aren't here.
I guess I block it out.
I just want to hear your laugh again.
Well my sweet boy I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Forever Mom

Hi my baby,

Just writing my daily letter to you.
Joe it has been so hot lately, it's horrible.
I don't even go outside if I don't have to.
You just melt. Hopefully the weather will be changing.
Wayne stopped by this afternoon. It was a pleasant surprise.
I just can't wait to go to the Dr's next week to get these stitches out and this big bandage off.
Hopefully I will have my hands back to normal.
That's what I get for waiting years and never doing anything about it.
I always put me last you know. But as long as you guys had a smile on your faces that all that matter to me.
Well my sweet boy I will talk to you later.
Love you forever and always!
Mom

Hi my Joe,

Just checking in. My arm is still wrapped up
from surgery. I go back on the 14th to get all the stitches out.
Then I will be able to write you you a little bit better.
Well all it is doing is raining everyday.
So there is nothing new.
No hurricanes so far, thank god for that.
Bella misses you so much.
She knows that you are not here.
But Dad does take her in your room once in awhile.
I just cannot wait until I am with you again.
Nothing is the same.
It is so quiet here.
I need to see your beautiful smile and hear your wonderful laugh.
I want to put my arms around you again and hug you like I always did even thou I had to stand on my tippy toes to reach you.
Well my sweet son, Of course I miss you and Love you so much there is such an empty stop in me it is just so hard to explain.
I love you forever and always
Mom

MY BABY SON,

HOW ARE YOU DOING AS FOR ME IT IS THE SAME.
NOTHING HAS CHANGED.
LIKE I SAID OVER AND OVER IT DOES NOT GET BETTER SOME DAYS ARE BETTER THAN OTHERS BUT MOST OF THE DAYS ARE THE SAME.
NOT GOOD.
I AM STILL WAITING TO SEE WHY I WAS LEFT HERE AND YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WAS TAKEN.
I HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING NEW OR DIFFERENT EXCEPT ME AND YOUR FATHER AND ALL THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU JUST BEING LEFT HERE IN PAIN.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS WORLD WORKS THE WAY IT DOES.
I HAVE NO ANSWERS AND THAT IS WHAT I NEED THE MOST.
SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME YOU WERE TAKEN FOR A REASON.
WELL TELL ME THE REASON. I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW.
WE GO TO CHURCH, COUNSELING, MEETINGS, DR.'S AND PRAY ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
I KNOW IT'S ME I AM SELFISH WHEN IT COMES TO YOU ALL I KNOW IS I WANT YOU BACK.
I KNOW I CAN'T.
I USUALLY CAN FIX THINGS AND THIS ONE I CAN'T. SO I AM SO FRUSTRATED I GUESS THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN EXPLAIN IT.
BUT THIS PAIN IS SO UNBEARABLE AND THIS EMPTYNESS THAT NOW I ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST LOVE ONES HOW THEY FEEL.
I USE TO FEEL REALLY SORRY FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE LOST LOVE ONES, BUT NOW IT IS ALL SO REAL AND TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
I FEEL NOW. WHAT THIS PEOPLE HAVE GONE THROUGH AND WHAT THEY STILL ARE GOING THROUGH.
IT WILL NEVER END, UNTIL THE DAY EVERYONE IS REUNITED WITH THEIR LOVE ONES.
THEIR IS SO MUCH PAIN JOE IN THIS WORLD.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. LITTLE BABIES STARVING AND DYING IT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME.
IT SEEMS LIKE THIS IS HELL THAT WE ARE LIVING IN.
WELL MAYBE ONE DAY OR MAYBE NEVER THIS WILL MAKE SENSE.
WELL MY BEAUTIFUL BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
YOUR MOM

HI MY SWEET BOY,

I AM STILL IN ALOT OF PAIN AFTER THE SURGERY BUT I KNOW I HAD TO WRITE TO YOU.
I AM STILL HANGING IN HERE.
IT IS SO HARD SOMETIMES I DON'T THINK I WILL MAKE IT.
THEN I WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY.
IT'S LIKE I GET UP EVERY MORNING AND DON'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID THE WHOLE DAY.
LIKE IT WAS A BLUR.
I HATE IT.
I HATE THIS LIFE I HATE THIS FEELINGS, I JUST DON'T KNOW OR EVEN HAVE ANY ANSWERS.
JOE, YOU KNOW I DO NOT EVER, EVER DREAM I HAVE BEEN DREAMING.
I DON'T LIKE IT BECAUSE IT SEEMS SO REAL
UNTIL I WAKE UP AND MOST OF THE TIME THE DREAM WAKES ME UP.
IT'S LIKE YOU ARE WITH ME AND TELLING ME THINGS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY ABOUT THEM.
BUT I KEEP HAVING BASICALLY THE SAME DREAM.
I WILL DO WHAT YOU ASK ME SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.
YOU KNOW MOM ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS ASK ME SOMETHING.
WHEN IT CAME TO YOU AND WAYNE I WOULD LOOK AT YOUR FACES AND THE WORD NO WOULD NEVER COME OUT.
WELL MY BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
MOM