Joseph William DeMatthews

Hi my sweet boy,

Joe, I miss you so deeply. There are days I just do not think I will make it. I had a long talk with Dad last night. Joey, our life will never ever be the same people tell us time will heal or that it takes time and it will get easier. Joe, it may just be us, but it just gets worst.
It does not get any easier nor does time ease up.

My Dear Joey,

The holidays are coming upon us and I can feel that I am losing it and so is Dad.
We may not say anything to each other but when we look at each other we know what the other one is thinking.
Since the day you where taken from us, we have not celebrated any of the holidays. (It's just to painful).
You just loved them and would be so excited and would join in helping me decorate.
I do not have that in me any longer, that was lost that day.
We have not even put up the Tree since that day and I never will. I can't.
What is there to celebrate? All it is ( a painful memory). What I can remember!!!
No matter what it is there is not a day that goes by that your name does not come out of my mouth.
Everything is a reminder, Joey use to do that, Joey loved that, remember when, remember how, Joey, use to do that and this.
It will always be that way, because you where such a big part of this family and still are and you will always be here.
I pray every morning when I wake up with this pain and emptiness inside me.
I do not know how I will be on that day, but I know you will be with us.
Well my sweet son I love you and miss you forever until that day I will be reunited with my wonderful boy.
I hold on to that always......
Well I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always,
Mom

My best friend. I love you. Brothers forever.

My Joey,
It is getting close to Christmas, it will be the anniversary of when you where taken from us.
It has been so very hard. This pass week has actually been a nightmare for us.
We are walking in circles not knowing what to do next.
Your father is just not well. Every time I see him weather he is in the room, living room any room in the house he is just sitting there sobbing with his hands over his face.
There is nothing I can do. I can barely make it through the day.
This is just not fair and it doesn't seem normal.
Everything is different.
The other day I had to go to the store only because it was out of necessities. I was shaking the hold time trying to block out the Christmas music that was playing overhead, all the Christmas things out people laughing and talking about what they were going to cook for the holidays.
The smiles on their faces and just being happy.
Joe, you know that I use to be one of those happy people getting ready for the holidays.
Well, needless to say all of a sudden the whole place starting spinning and all I remembered was holding on to the cart.
I was soaking wet as if I just got out of the pool.
When I got myself together I left the cart there and got in the car as fast as I could. I sat there for a minute and starting crying and could not stop.
When I finally did I made it home.
Your father saw my face and he knew. All we did was he put his arms around me and we cried.
My baby my heart is so broke and like I told you I pray everyday to you and I ask for help, guidance, strength and just help me through day by day.
I stopped asking Why!
Well my sweet boy I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.....
Soon Mom

Hi my Baby,

My Joey, Halloween came and went. I just could not write, I know every Halloween you were always so excited about going to Orlando for horror night and the last Halloween you were dressed up like a cop. You won first place. (I knew you would)...
How you use to love to answer the door and give the kids candy and make conversation with them on who they where and you would laugh with them about there outfits. You would always give them a hand full of candy. The little guys you would tell them to put their hand in that big bowl and pick out what they wanted. You just loved it.
So that is why I couldn't write honey it is just to sad and hard for me. I told you we do not even celebrate any holidays anymore.
I gave your brother all my decorations for I will never use them again.
I just miss you so much it hurts. They say it will get easier, well not for me it get's harder.
Every time I do go out someone always stop's me and ask me OH Debbie how are you holding up?
We cannot not believe this.... All of us miss and love Joe so much he was bigger than life.
He was the kindness person you could ever meet.
Joe, It is so hard for me to hear this all the time. I know how you where and I still will not except it.
No one has to tell me, all that does is set me back further than I already am.
I know that they need to express their feelings and they really don't know what to say, but that is why I really do not leave the house.
When I see all the decorations up already I get such a sick feeling in my stomach that I really do not think I will make it much longer.
All I see is your beautiful face all day long in my mind. Hear that laugh and see your beautiful smile.
Well my sweet baby I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.....
Soon---- Mom

Hey my sweet son,

Another day, week and month. Well what can I say, that I have not already said a million times. I walk through the house and see you all around me and still say to myself my beautiful son, he is just at the Mall, Gym, or at work.
Sometimes, I will just pick up your picture and just go into another world of our whole life together.
My mind just keeps racing so fast into different directions of times we were doing so many things together. (always together).
Both of us laughing, times you would always stress me out because I couldn't say no to you so you would keep at me until finally I would say Yes.
You knew I would.
So many different places and times and I do not even say one word when I am holding your picture in my arms.
My thoughts just start running away with you and me into a time and place that seems like it will never end.
There are just so many wonderful people I have met and that have always been my friend and have always been there for me.
I just wish I could let the new wonderful friends that have come into my life would have known me before all of this.
You know me Joe I was always so open and friendly and always laughing I just am not the same person nor will ever be again.
I remember when I use to laugh and have so much fun and my family came first.
When I was shopping, working, on the phone etc...
I never had a worried because I have the best two boys I could have never imaged I would have been blessed with.
My family. As long as you guys where ok I was at my best.
Now my "heart, soul, mind, feelings and life in general will never be the same for me.
I will never be the same half of my life is not here with me.
I always or maybe I should say took life for granted because I was blessed.
Who would have ever thought........
All of the parents out there that have lost love ones
"oh my god" what can I say.
I never ever knew how much you lost and how much your heart was broke.
Your family will never be the same.
I would see these movies on T.V. and my heart would go out for them, but I really never knew how much the pain was killing them inside day by day.
The hurt all the feeling that go with it, that I never really knew.
My HEART is now along with all of them and I now know how they truly feel.
Well my sweet boy,
I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.....
SOON-MOM

HEY MY BABY,

WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY....I AM LOST.
I TRY SO HARD TO JUST COPE OR DEAL OR WHATEVER YOUR SUPPOSE TO DO.. AND I JUST CAN'T.... I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED. IT JUST DOES NOT HELP ME OR MAKE ME FEEL ANY BETTER OR DEAL WITH THINGS ANY BETTER.
THE HOLIDAYS ARE AROUND THE CORNER AGAIN AND THE STORES ARE DECORATED ALREADY AND I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT.
I JUST WANT TO GIVE UP EVERYDAY.
FRIDAY WAS DAD'S BIRTHDAY AS YOU KNOW IT WAS JUST ANOTHER DAY.
WE JUST GO ON UNTIL THE DAY WE ARE IN EACH OTHERS ARMS AGAIN..
BABY, I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS...
MOM-SOON

MY DEAREST SON,

HOW MUCH MORE CAN I EXPRESS THE LOSS I FEEL. ( I CAN'T).
MY GOD IT JUST GETS SO MUCH WORSE THAN I COULD EVER IMAGE....
EVERYDAY DAD OR MYSELF WILL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SAY " IF ONLY JOE WAS HERE HE WOULD LOVE THAT OR THIS WHATEVER IS TAKING PLACE AT THAT MOMENT.....
DAD WILL ALWAYS SAY JOEY IS WITH HIM ALWAYS......
HE IS SO ADAMANT ABOUT SAYING YOU ARE HERE WITH HIM.
JOE, IF HE DOES GO OUT HE HAS TO HURRY UP TO GET BACK HOME... HIS WORDS ARE I HAVE TO GET BACK HOME TO JOEY....
I KNOW I KNOW, I TOLD HIM THAT IT IS NOT HEALTHLY BUT HE JUST HAS HIS OWN WAY, AND YOU KNOW HIM SO WELL.
SO I JUST LET HIM TALK.
THERE ARE SOOOO MANY TIMES THAT HE HAS OUTBURST YELLING!!!!
I WANT MY BABY BACK ON AND ON.....
I CAN'T HELP THE TEARS FROM ROLLING DOWN MY FACE. I KNOW HE CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE IN THAT CONDITION SO I JUST SIT AND LISTEN AND I KNOW HOW MUCH HE IS HURTING AND I GUESS THAT IS THE WAY HE EXPRESSESS HIMSELF.
I'M NOT MUCH HELP WHAT SO EVER BUT I AM HEAR TO LISTEN.
HE KNOWS THE STATE I AM IN AND HE TRYS TO KEEP IT TOGETHER BUT HE LOVES AND MISSES YOU SO DEEPLY.
HE WILL ALWAYS SAY IT'S MY FAULT I SHOULD HAVE WOKE HIM UP AND TELL HIM COME ON WE ARE GOING SHOPPING, MOM WILL BE HOME IN A MINUTE..
HE SAID WHEN HE OPENED YOUR BEDROOM DOOR YOU WHERE SLEEPING AND DIDN'T WANT TO BOTHER YOU.
I GUESS WE ARE ALL BLAMING OURSELVES IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
THAT IS HUMAN NATURE I GUESS....
BUT, OUR LIFE IS NO LIFE IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE.
I WISH I CAN GET MY FAITH BACK BUT I HAVE TRIED AND TRIED.
A MOTHER'S LOVE IS JUST SO UNCONDITIONAL IN EVERY WAY.
I JUST GO ON DAY BY DAY THAT'S IT HONEY.... THAT IS THE BEST I COULD DO.
I FIND MYSELF LOST SO MANY TIMES.
I AM JUST WAITING UNTIL THE DAY I AM WITH YOU AND I WILL NEVER BE LOST AGAIN.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!!!!!!!!!
SOON MOM

My Baby,

 

My Joe, 

I know how much you loved going to the Beach...

On Saturday/Sunday if it was a nice day out you would always say Mom I am going to the beach for awhile.

You just loved watching the waves and people walking around and you would love to bathe in that sun.

Even though we hate the heat... You wanted to get that tan.

Something I do remember about is  when we where moving here to Florida I was so nervous and a reck.

I knew that Florida was surrounded with water.

I knew that I would never rest I had to do something right away.....

I knew Wayne and you really did not know how to swim.

I would take you guys down the shore in Jersey in the summer but I was always there with both of you. (Never out of my site)

So when we moved here and got settled remember I hired that swimming teacher for you guys, so I would not be so crazy.

I would watch you two everyday learning how to swim and go under the water and dive, I was so proud.

I use to jump up and yell and clap my hands when you two would show me something new.

You two just made me the proudest Mom ever....

You and Wayne would always exceed in whatever you two did.

I am so blessed in that way, my two boys always and no matter what it was I always smiled and felt proud of you two.  

Well my sweet baby I will talk to you later...

I love you forever and always........

Soon Mom

Hey my baby,

Just always on my mind.... I just can't stand it honey.
No matter how busy I try to be or someone trys to talk with me and trys to keep my mind busy, NOTHING will help me....
I am just so ill over this and will never except it or get over it.
I just hate writing like this to you everyday and its so negative but honey if you where here it would be normal again and I can smile and laugh, cook for you wait for you to come home from work or the gym and say Mom come on I got this new movie that just came out, lets watch it, it's great.
Because you would always go to the movies when a new movie came out and than you would buy the cd if you liked it and you knew I would and you wanted me to see it.
I miss that so much. You laying at the bottom of my bed and Dad gives you a pillow for your head and the 3 of us get ready to watch the movie.
How you would laugh when I would get so excited or scream at the tv. (That Laugh)....
I love you so much and miss all the things we did.
I miss you calling me at work everyday just to say Mom what are you doing... I would have to laugh to myself and always say Joe I working..
When I would come home you would always say Mom what are you making I am starved.
After eating and drinking those health food things you use to make. Hearing that blender everyday while you would make those terrible shakes whether it was vanilla, strawberry and chocholate and telling me Mom come on try them there go for you, I would and than say Joe they may be good for you but they taste terrible. We would laugh...
All the little and big things I just miss so much it makes me sick. People would say Debbie just think of the good times and you know Joe, I tried and it just makes me worse.
Well my sweet baby I will talk to you later..
I love you forever and always.......
Mom Soon

Hey baby,

Everything is still the same Joe. We just are filled with this kind of sickness and pain that will never leave us.
We miss you so much it's unreal....
All I see is your beautiful face in my mind everyday.
Your smile, kindness and lovely smile.
Sometimes I will say to Dad we should never have moved here. We should have stayed in Jersey. I have been there all my life and raised you and your brother, but everyone saying Florida is such a great place to raise kids. I don't know anymore.
The only thing that was wonderful moving to Florida was having my grandchildren and your nieces/nephew's.
It's just so confusing!!!
Who knows....
Well my baby I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always....
Mom

HI MY SWEET JOEY,

 

IT'S JUST THE SAME THING DAY IN AND DAY OUT. LIKE I HAVE SAID A BILLION TIMES, IT WILL AND I WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SAME.

THE DAYS ARE GOING BY AND I TAKE THEM ONE BY ONE.

THERE ARE SO MANY TIMES I WILL GO TO CALL YOU ON YOUR CELL OR YELL YOUR NAME OUT OR IF I HEAR THE FRONT DOOR OPEN I WILL YELL HEY JOE!!!

I CAN'T STAND IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

WELL MY SWEET BABY YOU ARE FEATURED ON THE FRONT PAGE OF MEM.COM THIS WEEKEND AND NEXT WEEKEND.

I JUST CAN'T EXPRESS THE EMPTYNESS INSIDE ME...

I KNOW IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY.

ALL I DO KNOW IS THAT AS EACH DAY GOES BY IT'S A DAY CLOSER TO YOU (MY BEAUTIFUL SON)....

THAT IS HOW I HAVE TO THINK EVERYDAY TO BE ABLE TO MAKE IT.

WELL MY SWEET LOVE I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.

I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS...

 

HEY MY BEAUTIFUL BABY,

OH JOE, WHAT CAN I SAY IT JUST KILLS ME TO HAVE TO COME IN FRONT OF THIS SCREEN EVERYDAY TO TALK WITH YOU.
IT STILL IS NOT REAL TO ME AND NEVER WILL BE.
MY BIG, STRONG, KIND, BEAUTIFUL BABY, WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN.
IT IS SO CRUEL, HURTFUL AND PAINFUL.
I DON'T EVEN WATCH OR LISTEN TO THE NEWS THERE IS NEVER ANYTHING GOOD, ALL I HEAR IS EVERYONE IS GETTING KILLED IN SOME HORRIBLE WAY OR KIDS ARE BEING KIDNAPPED.
GOD, I HATE THIS PLACE.
THIS IS HELL THAT WE LIVE IN.
I AM SORRY THAT HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE WHEN YOU WHERE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME, IS WHEN I LOST EVERYTHING.
I WILL NEVER GET IT BACK.
I HAVE TRIED TO PRAY AND GO BACK TO HOW AND WHAT I BELIEVED IN. WHAT I WAS TAUGHT GROWING UP, BUT YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW HARD I TRY I JUST CAN'T.
HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE IN ANYTHING WHEN SOMETHING YOU BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD AND LOVED WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE WAS SUDDENLY TAKEN FROM YOU.
WELL I CAN'T.
BELIEVE ME I HAVE TRIED SO HARD EVERYDAY BUT I JUST DO NOT HAVE IT IN ME.
DAD KEEPS TELLING ME JUST KEEP IN YOUR MIND EVERYDAY THAT GOES BY IS A DAY CLOSER TO OUR BABY.
WELL, I GUESS THAT IS THE ONLY THING I CAN DO AT THIS POINT.
THE ONLY THING I WILL HAVE TO HOLD ON TO AND BELIEVE.
BUT, IT'S NOT EASY.
THERE IS NOT A MINUTE OF ANY DAY THAT GOES BY THAT I FEEL THE TEARS ROLLING DOWN MY FACE.
THAT PAIN THAT I CARRY IN MY STOMACH EVERYDAY ALONG WITH THE EMPTYNESS.
I JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH AND MISS HUGGING YOU AND US LAUGHING JUST ABOUT SILLY THINGS.
WELL MY SWEET BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS....
SOON MOM..

HI MY SWEET BOY,

JOE, I JUST CAN'T GET WELL... I TRY ALL THE TIME THINKING OF YOU HELPING ME THROUGH THE DAY.
JUST THE THOUGHT OF NOT HUGGING YOU OR GIVING YOU A KISS OR JUST TOUCHING YOUR ARM AND TELLING YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU AND YOU TELLING ME I KNOW MOM, I LOVE YOU TOO...
IT IS JUST NOT HELPING ME OR MAKING ME FEEL ANY BETTER.
JUST THE SMELL OF YOUR COLONGE MAKING DAD NUTS, BECAUSE IT SMELLED UP THE WHOLE HOUSE, IS JUST KILLING ME.
DAD NOW WEARS THAT JUST SO HE HAS THAT SCENT SO CLOSE TO HIM.
YOUR ROOM HAS THAT SCENT ALL THE TIME.
WHEN DAD GOES IN THERE OR WAYNE AND I AM NEAR OR CLOSE TO YOUR ROOM WHEN THE DOOR OPENS THAT IS ALL I SMELL AND THE PIT OF MY STOMACH ACHES SO MUCH ALONG WITH MY HEART KNOWING THAT IN MY OWN MIND I SAY TO MYSELF MY JOEY IS GETTING READY TO GO TO WORK.
I KNOW THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN GO ON.
I JUST NEED TO HUG YOU AND AS ALWAYS LET YOU KNOW I AM ALWAYS HERE.
YOU ALWAYS NEEDED TO KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH YOU DID BUT I NEED TO JUST SAY IT OVER AND OVER.
JOE, HOW MANY TIMES A DAY YOU WOULD CALL ME AT WORK JUST TO HEAR MY VOICE OR KNOW THAT I WAS HERE IF AND WHEN I LEFT FOR WORK WHEN YOU WHERE STILL SLEEPING AND DIDN'T GET TO SEE ME BEFORE I LEFT.
YOU JUST NEEDED THAT SECURITY I GUESS...
BUT AS ALWAYS I WOULD BE THERE IN A MINUTE IF YOU NEEDED ME.
LIFE IS STRANGE THAT WAY I GUESS BECAUSE I NEED YOU SO MUCH.
I ALSO NEED TO SEE OR HEAR FROM YOU TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING WAS OK.
I JUST WANT TO SEE MY JOEY WITH THAT BEAUTIFUL SMILE THAT YOU HAVE NO MATTER WHAT.
WHEN I DO GO IN YOUR ROOM (SOON) I JUST WANT TO SEE YOU AND FOR YOU TO SAY MOM WHAT ARE YOU DOING...
I AM HERE WITH YOU ALWAYS NO MATTER WHAT.
I AM TRYING WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE LEFT TO HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE DAY BY DAY UNTIL WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN.
WELL MY BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER..
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS...
SOON MOM........
I MISS YOU MORE THAN ANYONE COULD IMAGE!!

HEY MY BABY,

WELL HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!!! (29)....
MY BABY IS 29, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
KEEP GIVING ME YOUR STRENGTH TO MAKE IT EACH DAY. I WENT TO SEE GRANDMA, SHE IS NOT DOING WELL. SHE HAD A STROKE.
UNREAL WHAT KIND OF LIFE IS THIS SUPPOSE TO BE. I REALLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS LIFE IN SO MUCH PAIN AND SUFFERING.
IT JUST IS NOT FAIR.
MY PAIN HERE WITHOUT YOU IS SOMETHING THAT IS SO UNDESCRIBIBLY. I JUST HATE IT HERE WITHOUT YOU.
GRANDMA TOLD ME THAT YOU COME TO HER AND SHE SEE'S YOU, SHE REALLY DOESN'T LOOK WELL, JOE YOU JUST KNOCKED EVERYONE FOR A LOOP. I BELIEVE HER WHEN SHE TOLD ME THAT.
I WISH AND PRAY I COULD, BUT THEY TELL ME BECAUSE I DON'T, THE REASON IS BECAUSE I WILL NOT EXCEPT IT OR WILL NOT LET GO. YOU KNOW ME HONEY I WILL NEVER LET GO (EVER)......
THERE ARE THINGS THAT HAPPEN IN THE HOUSE AND THAT I KNOW.
YOU ARE WITH ME ALL THE TIME AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
WELL MY BEAUTIFUL SON I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.....

HEY MY BABY,

WELL WHAT CAN I SAY..... EVERYTHING IS STILL THE SAME. YOU ARE ALWAYS IN MY HEART AND MIND. YOU ARE WITH ME ALWAYS. I CAN'T BUT KEEP REPEATING MYSELF IN SAYING THAT I JUST CANNOT ACCEPT ANY OF THIS THAT HAS HAPPENED. I WILL NEVER.
IT IS JUST A FEELING JOE, THAT I GUESS NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN UNLESS THEY ARE IN MY SHOES.
TIME PASSES AND GOES BY BUT IT REALLY DOES NOT EFFECT ME BECAUSE THERE IS NOT ANYTHING THAT WILL EVER GO AWAY AND GET BETTER.
I WILL ALWAYS FEEL THE WAY I DO NO MATTER WHAT.
I KNOW PEOPLE TRY AND I KNOW IT IS HARD FOR THEM BECAUSE THEY REALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO SAY BUT THE BOTTOM LINE IS IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER IT JUST WILL AND NEVER WILL MAKE ME FELL ANY BETTER.
THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT COULD HELP ME OR MAKE ME BE MYSELF AGAIN.
THERE IS NOTHING THAT WILL BRING BACK THE SMILE ON MY FACE ANYMORE.
JUST TALKING TO YOU IN THE MORNING AND WRITING YOU MAKES ME FEEL YOU ARE HERE WITH ME AND WILL BE UNTIL I AM NO LONGER.
LIFE STOPPED COMPLETELY ON THAT HORRIBLE DAY.
I WISH SO MANY TIMES I COULD TURN BACK TIME AND THAT I WOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WHERE HOME IN YOUR BED.
THERE ARE SO MANY I WISH, I SHOULD HAVE, I COULD HAVE.
I KNOW SOOO MANY PEOPLE TELL ME DEBBIE YOU NEED TO STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP, BUT INSIDE I WISH I COULD HAVE KNOWN.
WELL MY BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS........
SOON MOM