Joseph William DeMatthews

Hi my sweet boy,

Joe, I miss you so deeply. There are days I just do not think I will make it. I had a long talk with Dad last night. Joey, our life will never ever be the same people tell us time will heal or that it takes time and it will get easier. Joe, it may just be us, but it just gets worst.
It does not get any easier nor does time ease up.

My Dear Joey,

The holidays are coming upon us and I can feel that I am losing it and so is Dad.
We may not say anything to each other but when we look at each other we know what the other one is thinking.
Since the day you where taken from us, we have not celebrated any of the holidays. (It's just to painful).
You just loved them and would be so excited and would join in helping me decorate.
I do not have that in me any longer, that was lost that day.
We have not even put up the Tree since that day and I never will. I can't.
What is there to celebrate? All it is ( a painful memory). What I can remember!!!
No matter what it is there is not a day that goes by that your name does not come out of my mouth.
Everything is a reminder, Joey use to do that, Joey loved that, remember when, remember how, Joey, use to do that and this.
It will always be that way, because you where such a big part of this family and still are and you will always be here.
I pray every morning when I wake up with this pain and emptiness inside me.
I do not know how I will be on that day, but I know you will be with us.
Well my sweet son I love you and miss you forever until that day I will be reunited with my wonderful boy.
I hold on to that always......
Well I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always,
Mom

My best friend. I love you. Brothers forever.

My Joey,
It is getting close to Christmas, it will be the anniversary of when you where taken from us.
It has been so very hard. This pass week has actually been a nightmare for us.
We are walking in circles not knowing what to do next.
Your father is just not well. Every time I see him weather he is in the room, living room any room in the house he is just sitting there sobbing with his hands over his face.
There is nothing I can do. I can barely make it through the day.
This is just not fair and it doesn't seem normal.
Everything is different.
The other day I had to go to the store only because it was out of necessities. I was shaking the hold time trying to block out the Christmas music that was playing overhead, all the Christmas things out people laughing and talking about what they were going to cook for the holidays.
The smiles on their faces and just being happy.
Joe, you know that I use to be one of those happy people getting ready for the holidays.
Well, needless to say all of a sudden the whole place starting spinning and all I remembered was holding on to the cart.
I was soaking wet as if I just got out of the pool.
When I got myself together I left the cart there and got in the car as fast as I could. I sat there for a minute and starting crying and could not stop.
When I finally did I made it home.
Your father saw my face and he knew. All we did was he put his arms around me and we cried.
My baby my heart is so broke and like I told you I pray everyday to you and I ask for help, guidance, strength and just help me through day by day.
I stopped asking Why!
Well my sweet boy I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.....
Soon Mom

Hi my Baby,

My Joey, Halloween came and went. I just could not write, I know every Halloween you were always so excited about going to Orlando for horror night and the last Halloween you were dressed up like a cop. You won first place. (I knew you would)...
How you use to love to answer the door and give the kids candy and make conversation with them on who they where and you would laugh with them about there outfits. You would always give them a hand full of candy. The little guys you would tell them to put their hand in that big bowl and pick out what they wanted. You just loved it.
So that is why I couldn't write honey it is just to sad and hard for me. I told you we do not even celebrate any holidays anymore.
I gave your brother all my decorations for I will never use them again.
I just miss you so much it hurts. They say it will get easier, well not for me it get's harder.
Every time I do go out someone always stop's me and ask me OH Debbie how are you holding up?
We cannot not believe this.... All of us miss and love Joe so much he was bigger than life.
He was the kindness person you could ever meet.
Joe, It is so hard for me to hear this all the time. I know how you where and I still will not except it.
No one has to tell me, all that does is set me back further than I already am.
I know that they need to express their feelings and they really don't know what to say, but that is why I really do not leave the house.
When I see all the decorations up already I get such a sick feeling in my stomach that I really do not think I will make it much longer.
All I see is your beautiful face all day long in my mind. Hear that laugh and see your beautiful smile.
Well my sweet baby I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.....
Soon---- Mom

Hey my sweet son,

Another day, week and month. Well what can I say, that I have not already said a million times. I walk through the house and see you all around me and still say to myself my beautiful son, he is just at the Mall, Gym, or at work.
Sometimes, I will just pick up your picture and just go into another world of our whole life together.
My mind just keeps racing so fast into different directions of times we were doing so many things together. (always together).
Both of us laughing, times you would always stress me out because I couldn't say no to you so you would keep at me until finally I would say Yes.
You knew I would.
So many different places and times and I do not even say one word when I am holding your picture in my arms.
My thoughts just start running away with you and me into a time and place that seems like it will never end.
There are just so many wonderful people I have met and that have always been my friend and have always been there for me.
I just wish I could let the new wonderful friends that have come into my life would have known me before all of this.
You know me Joe I was always so open and friendly and always laughing I just am not the same person nor will ever be again.
I remember when I use to laugh and have so much fun and my family came first.
When I was shopping, working, on the phone etc...
I never had a worried because I have the best two boys I could have never imaged I would have been blessed with.
My family. As long as you guys where ok I was at my best.
Now my "heart, soul, mind, feelings and life in general will never be the same for me.
I will never be the same half of my life is not here with me.
I always or maybe I should say took life for granted because I was blessed.
Who would have ever thought........
All of the parents out there that have lost love ones
"oh my god" what can I say.
I never ever knew how much you lost and how much your heart was broke.
Your family will never be the same.
I would see these movies on T.V. and my heart would go out for them, but I really never knew how much the pain was killing them inside day by day.
The hurt all the feeling that go with it, that I never really knew.
My HEART is now along with all of them and I now know how they truly feel.
Well my sweet boy,
I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.....
SOON-MOM

 

My Dearest Son,

 

I am so sorry I have not wrote lately, I have been in the hospital. I am sure you know that. I am home now and I will be writting again. I miss you so much Joe. I love you so much. When I was in the hospital about 2 weeks they kept me there, you were on my mind constantly. When laying in that hospital bed day after day I was picturing you and me in the sandbox that Dad and me had bought you and your brother in New Jersey. How much fun we use to have. The pail and shovels you would be on my lap and than I would sit you in the sand and we would make castles. Your brother was old enough to make his own creations that were so wonderful and creative for a little boy. Joe, the images were so vivid in my mind for the first time that it made me have such mixed emotions. It was bittersweet. On one hand I was happy and on the other I was sad.

I know you so well and I know you will be waiting for me with open arms. I guess I was left here for a reason that is what so many people have told me and I don't know why. Why I would be here without my beautiful son who had so much to give and so much to live for. Plus parents are suppose to go before their children. Well Joe, I guess there was a reason I was still left here. You know and the whole world will know very shortly.

I will keep you alive and I will never let your name be forgotten as long as I am breathing.

When I am finishing what I am doing than I guess it will be finish why I was left here.

Joe, I also have met so many wonderful families that are going through the same thing I am. They are Moms', Dads' sisters' brothers' aunts' uncles' cousins' and all the people they have touched.

All these Moms' that now are my dearest friends have become so close and we now have someone to talk with and we all are wearing the same shoes. We actually can finish each other sentences because we are all on the same page and have the same pain. Even though I could not write to them as I usually do because I was in the hospital they still wrote to you Joe, they still lite a candle, they still wrote a condolence. They had no idea was I was not writing, but they still wrote no matter, this is what I mean when I say they are such true, very true friends to me. They all have a special spot in my heart.

I will start writing to them and explain why they haven't heard from me, but you know Joe it does not matter they will just be happen that I am ok and that I am still here, that is what I mean when I say very dear and true friends.

OK, my baby I am going to go now I am kinda tired, but I will be writing again and lighting a candle for you. As soon as I get some rest I will be writing to my friends again.

I love you forever and always,

Your Mom Forever...

I have added an Angel Friends page to Melissa's site and would love for you to put your angel Joe on her page.

HI Debbie

I am so sorry to hear you were in the hospital-I hope you are feeling a bit better. I always heard how painful the shingles are-I hope you are recuperating fast from it. I'm glad you are home now with your family.  My husband & I were on vacation from feb 3rd-we went to Fl - we were going to see his daughter in fort lauderdale then to the keys.  As we were driving through port st lucie I couldn't help but think about you!!  We were shopping in the Publix & all I could think about was your Joe-I could see him there helping a customer or just giving one of his beautiful smiles.  Or how he would be if we just bumped into each other - I imagined him a gentleman like he always was!!  My thoughts were with you & Joe the whole time we were in FL - I wish I had known Joe! but when you talk about him I feel as if I do.

Please take care of yourself & feel better! I will talk to you later.

 

Diane