Joseph William DeMatthews

MY DEAR JOEY,

I AM JUST WRITING MY DAILY LETTERS TO YOU AND SENDING YOU ALL OF MY LOVE.
MY JOEY EVERYTHING IS STILL THE SAME. THERE IS NOT ONE THING THAT IS DIFFERENT SINCE YOU WERE TORN OUT OF MY LIFE.
LIKE I HAD TOLD YOU THERE IS NOTHING THAT WILL EVER OR COULD EVER BE THE SAME.
I PRAY TO YOU EVERYDAY HOPING THAT MAYBE JUST MAYBE YOU WILL COME INTO MY ROOM AND CALL MOM.
I JUST CAN'T EXPLAIN NOR DO I EVEN WANT TO.
I REALLY HAVE NO QUESTIONS EXCEPT ONE (WHY!).
I JUST GO DAY BY DAY AND WATCH THE MONTHS GO BY AND I REALLY DON'T EVEN CARE.
TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH THERE ARE DAYS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DAY WE ARE IN OR WHAT MONTH.
THE TIME I DON'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER WHAT DAY OR TIME IT IS.
IT IS ALL THE SAME TO ME.
I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU AGAIN.
I WANT YOU BACK HOME AGAIN.
WHAT MORE CAN I SAY. THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT, THIS JUST DID NOT HAPPEN IN MY LIFE.
IT IS NOT POSSIBLE.
MY JOEY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
EVERYONE KNOWS HOW CLOSE WE ARE.
I GUESS THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE CURIOUS OR WONDERING HOW DEBBIE IS MAKING IT.
MY BABY YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH ME AND I AM ALWAYS WITH YOU.
WELL MY JOE I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
YOUR MOM

HI MY SWEET ANGEL,

JUST WRITING YOU MY DAILY LETTER. AS USUALLY SENDING YOU ALL MY LOVE THAT I HAVE INSIDE OF ME.
JUST MISSING YOU MORE AND MORE AS EACH DAY GOES BY. OR SHOULD I SAY AS EACH HOUR OF MY LIFE GOES BY.
PEOPLE SAY IT GETS EASIER, PLEASE TELL ME HOW BECAUSE FOR ME IT WILL NEVER GET EASIER.
YOU AND YOUR BROTHER HAVE ALWAYS BEEN MY LIFE AND ALWAYS WILL.
I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW PEOPLE GO ON. I AM SO HAPPY FOR THEM, BECAUSE THIS PAIN AND ANGUISH THAT I HAVE EVERY MINUTE OF EVERYDAY IS AWFUL.
KNOWING ME AND EVERYONE THAT DOES KNOW ME KNOWS THAT IS AN IMPOSSIBLE TASK TO DO.
THIS EMPTYNESS, THE PAIN, THE SADDNESS, THE ANGER, THE LOVE, OH GOD THE LOVE, THE MISSING YOU WILL NEVER END FOR ME.
WHEN I PRAY TO YOU EVERYDAY AND TALK TO YOU IN MY PRAYERS, THAT IS THE ONLY THING I BELIEVE HELPS ME MAKE IT STEP BY STEP.
I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
I KNOW YOU WOULD NEVER EVER WANT TO SEE ME LIKE THIS JOE, BUT LIKE I TOLD YOU MANY TIMES I JUST CAN'T HELP WHAT MY MIND AND BODY DOES, I HAVE TRIED REALLY TRIED EVERYTHING BUT THERE IS NOTHING THAT CAN PUT THIS SMILE BACK ON MY FACE.
MAKE MY HEART WHOLE ONCE AGAIN. TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE PAIN.
ENJOY THE THINGS THAT USE TO MAKE ME LAUGH.
LIFE IN GENERAL.
I HAVE TRIED WITH ALL MY BEING, BUT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I JUST HAVE NEVER IMAGE WOULD HAPPEN IN MY LIFE TIME.
SO SAYING THAT I DON'T HAVE A QUICK FIX OR A MIRACLE TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
I WILL JUST GO ON LIKE THIS UNTIL WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN.
MY SWEET, SWEET BABY BOY, I WILL SEE YOU AGAIN SOON.
JUST WAIT FOR ME MY BABY.
WAITING FOR ME IS THE WORSE THING I HAVE EVER WENT THROUGH, BUT WITH YOUR HELP AND STRENGTH MY BEAUTIFUL SON I KNOW YOU WILL HELP ME UNTIL WE ARE BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.
WELL MY SWEET SON JOEY, JOEY, JOEY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
YOUR MOM FOREVER.

Hi my BABY,

It's mom just sending you all my love.
Joe, I pray to you everyday asking you to give me strength to make it through the day.
I know you would hate to see me like this.
But Joey, I just cannot get it out of my mind. I remember talking to you that morning while I was getting ready for work and we were talking and laughing.
The next thing you did was go in to see Dad and then you went to bed.
I came home from work early so I can get the last minute things ready for the holiday and all of a sudden everyone was screaming and all hell broke out and the next thing I remember is that they told me that you where gone. I remember screaming "NO, NO" It was something that I couldn't believe or except and I still won't. You were ripped away from me so unexpectedly and suddenly. It is good in a way that those first couple of months I really do not remember most of what took place and what happened. That is one thing that I guess your mind and body does when it goes into shock. I just worry about Dad and your brother, yet Wayne said he remembers bits and pieces, but Dad remembers everything. Every single minute and for that he lives with those horrible memories of that horrible day.
I wish for his sake his mind would have block it out.
That I guess was the hardest thing. My baby so healthly and beautiful gone (NO WAY).
I will keep saying that and feeling that way because that is the only way I can except it. I have no other option, it is the way you are made I guess.
It's like I am a lost soul just exsisting on this earth, if that's what you want to call it.
Not knowing from one day to another.
No feelings or emotions just breathing.
Everyday is another day of the same thing, some days are worse if that is possible.
This pain I carry with me deep down inside everyday is something that will never leave me.
I guess I really never knew that a "HEART" can hurt so much with this kind of pain.
A pain that only intensify's more and more everyday.
I really do not understand all of this, but what I do know is that a HEART can be really broken and what is left of that broken heart is just filled with so much pain.
It is something you just can't live with but I guess you learn and know that everyday when you wake up it is now part of your life until I am reunited back with you once again.
I just miss you so much Joe, everyone does and everyone does there praying and mourning and crying all in their own way.
A way that their body and mind tells them.
Everyone is so different and they do things in a different way.
When I sit here and write to you everyday I am in my own little world and because it is the only way I can talk to you and express to you how I feel and what when on that particular day than so be it.
That is what I have to do. I hate it but it is the only way for now.
Well by sweet angel I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Your Mom

HI MY ANGEL,

I AM JUST SENDING MY LOVE AS USUALLY.

JOE, WE JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH.

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE THERE IS NO LIFE ANYMORE.

WITHOUT YOU IN IT.

THERE ARE SO MANY, MANY MEMORIES BUT THEY

SAY THEY SHOULD MAKE YOU HAPPY, BUT TO ME

THEY JUST FOR SOME REASON MAKE ME SAD.

WELL MY SWEET BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.

I LOVE YOU.

LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.

MOM

HI MY BABY,

JUST SENDING YOU A BIG HUG. AND A BIG HUG FROM EVERYONE ELSE.
SO MANY PEOPLE JOE, MISS YOU SO MUCH, PEOPLE I HAVE NEVER MET, BUT YOU HAVE AND YOU HAVE TOUCHED THEIR LIVES.
EVERYTHING THEY SAY ABOUT YOU I ALREADY KNOW, IT'S JUST NICE TO HEAR IT FROM OTHER PEOPLE I HAVE NEVER MET.
YOU ARE JUST SO SWEET AND KIND ALWAYS WERE.
WELL MY BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU MOM.

HI MY BABY,

ITS MOM SENDING ALL MY LOVE TO YOU ALWAYS.

JOE, I JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE IT OR LET YOU GO.
THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH FOR ME TO ABSORB.
I WILL NEVER AND THAT IS WHY I AM A CHANGED PERSON AND ALWAYS WILL BE UNTIL I AM WITH YOU ONCE AGAIN.
I JUST CAN'T FUNCTION LIKE I USE TO ON A DAILY BASIS.
I GET UP EVERYDAY TO AN EMPTY DAY FEELING THE SAME LIKE I FELT EVERYDAY SINCE YOU WERE TAKEN FROM ME.
I HAVE NO MORE FEELINGS LIKE I USE TO I DON'T GET EXCITED OVER THINGS ANYMORE, I DON'T SMILE LIKE I USE TO. I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I USE TO BE.
I ACTUALLY HATE IT. IT SEEMS LIKE I HAVE NOTHING TO LIVE FOR ANYMORE.
I AM TIRED OF THIS PAIN I CARRY WITH ME EVERYDAY.
YES, I KNOW I HAVE DAD, WAYNE AND THE KIDS, BUT THERE IS A "BIG" PART OF ME NOT THERE ANYMORE.
IT'S LIKE I AM A ZOMBIE WALIKING AROUND AND WAITING TO GO TO SLEEP SO I DON'T THINK OR DREAM.
I KNOW THAT IS NO WAY TO LIVE BUT I HAVE TRIED I REALLY HAVE JOE, BUT THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT CAN HELP THE WAY THAT I FEEL.
I JUST NEED TO BE WITH YOU, HAVE YOU BACK IN MY LIFE, AROUND THE HOUSE, TALKING TO YOU EVERYDAY.
I MISS THAT SO TERRIBLY I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN HOW IT FEELS.
INSIDE I DO HAVE YOU WITH ME EVERYDAY BUT IT IS NOT THE SAME. IT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
I LOVE YOU.
I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
YOUR MOM

HI MY ANGEL,

JUST WANTED TO SEND YOU ALL MY LOVE AS USUALLY.
YESTERDAY WE HAD A VERY BAD DAY. (DAD).
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BUT I COULD NOT STOP CRYING.
YOU KNOW ME MY FACE GETS ALL BLOTCHY AND MY EYES GET SWOLLEN.
I TRIED SO HARD AND JUST COULD NOT STOP.
FOR THE FIRST TIME I WENT THROUGH SOME OF YOUR SNEAKERS WHICH I HAD TO STOP AND THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE DONE THAT.
THAT IS PROBABLY WHY, BECAUSE THAN I HAD TO STOP. IT JUST MADE ME PICTURE YOU WITH THEM ON.
AND THE 4 PAIR OF BRAND NEW ONES THAT YOU NEVER HAD A CHANCE TO WEAR. THAT JUST KILLED ME. DAD HAD TO PICK ME UP OFF THE FLOOR AND TAKE ME OUT OF YOUR ROOM.
I JUST WE JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH JOE IT WILL NEVER CHANGE AND WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME UNTIL WE ARE BACK TOGETHER AND I CAN HOLD YOU IN MY ARMS ONCE AGAIN.
THE HOLIDAYS CAME AND WENT AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT DAY IT WAS.
HERE WE GO AGAIN ANOTHER NEW YEAR 2007, THAT DOES NOT MEAN A THING TO ME.
ALL IT DOES IS MAKE TIME GO FASTER.
THE WAY MY HEALTH IS GOING I WILL BE WITH YOU SOON.
IT CAN'T BE SOON ENOUGH.
I JUST CAN'T LET YOU GO, I JUST WON'T BELIEVE IT AND THERE IS NOTHING IN THIS WORLD THAT CAN CHANGE ME, NO MATTER WHAT.
YOU ARE MY BABY AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY BEING HONEY, AND I KNOW YOU ALWAYS KNEW THAT.
I JUST MISS HUGGING YOU AND KISSING YOU AND TRYING TO PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU AND TELLING YOU EVERYDAY I LOVE YOU AND YOU WOULD SAY I LOVE YOU TO MOM.
I WOULD STAND ON MY TIPPY TOES AND WE WOULD LAUGH.
"YOUR SMILE" YOUR SMILE WHAT CAN I SAY------NO ONE COULD SAY ANYTHING BUT WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SMILE YOU HAVE.
WELL MY SWEET BOY "HAPPY NEW YEAR-2007" I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY BEING, AND I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
MOM

GOOD MORNING BABY,

WE ALL MISS YOU SOOO MUCH. ALL WE SEE IS YOUR FACE WITH THAT WONDERFUL SMILE OF YOURS AND YOUR LAUGH.
I MISS HOW YOU WOULD SHAKE THE PRESENTS TO SEE IF YOU KNEW WHAT WAS IN THEM.
ANYWAYS IT WAS CHRISTMAS EVERYDAY FOR YOU.
YOU WOULD GET SOMETHING FROM DAD OR ME ALL THE TIME.
YOU WOULD ALWAYS COME INTO MY ROOM AND SAY MOM I NEED MONEY I AM GOING TO THE MALL OR I HAVE TO GET THIS SHIRT OR THESE PANTS I SAW.
OR I NEED GAS IN MY CAR.
I COULD NEVER SAY NO TO YOU. I WOULD ALWAYS GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEEDED, THAN YOU WOULD GO AND GET MORE FROM DAD. YOU WHERE ALWAYS SUCH A LITTLE S--- BUT YOU WHERE MY LITTLE S---.
IT DIDN'T MATTER JOE, YOU KNOW I WOULD GIVE YOU THE WORLD IF I COULD.'
WELL I SWEET BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
YOUR MOM

WELL MY BABY WHAT CAN I SAY THAT I HAVEN'T ALREADY SAID.
I JUST CANNOT BELIEVE IT IS ONE YEAR TODAY.
"12-23-06". IT JUST SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY THAT I WAS GETTING READY WITH EVERYTHING AND RUSHING AROUND LIKE CRAZY AS I ALWAYS DO.
JUST TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS PERFECT.
LIKE I HAVE SAID SO MANY TIMES I DO NOT KNOW WHY I DID NOT GO IN YOUR ROOM AS ALWAYS TO PICK UP YOUR CLOTHES AND TIDY UP, BUT JOE YOUR CAR WAS NOT IN THE DRIVEWAY.
WHY, WHY I THOUGHT YOU WERE OUT, BUT THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE STOPPED ME.
THE PHONE HAS BEEN RINGING OFF THE HOOK TODAY AND SOME MANY CARDS WE RECIEVED ON YOUR BEHALF.
BABY EVERYONE LOVES AND MISSES YOU SO MUCH.
TEARS ARE JUST FLOWING ALL DAY.
MEMORIES, I JUST WANT TO BE WITH YOU OR YOU HOME WITH US.
I CAN'T EVEN EXPRESS MYSELF MOST OF THE TIME.
IT'S LIKE I AM LIVING IN A DREAM A BAD ONE AND CANNOT WAKE UP.
DAD DID SUCH A BEAUTIFUL THING IN THE LIVING ROOM LAST NIGHT. HE BOUGHT RED ROSES AND CARDS AND PUT EVERYTHING TOGETHER ON THE SELF WHERE YOU ARE AND ALL THE PICTURES ARE.
THE FIRST THING I DID THIS MORNING WAS GO IN THERE AND TAKE THE HOLY WATER AND MADE THE SIGN OF THE CROSS AND PRAYED AND CRIED AND JUST SAT.
I REALLY DON'T KNOW HOW LONG, BECAUSE TIME IS NOT A FACTOR WITH ME ANYMORE.
I JUST WANTED TO BE WITH YOU AND TALK TO YOU AND TELL YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN HOW MUCH I LOVE AND MISS YOU.
HOW MY LIFE IS WITHOUT YOU IN IT.
REALLY HALF A LIFE I SHOULD SAY.
THERE JUST IS SO MUCH SADDNESS IN THIS HOUSE JOE.
YOU ARE SUCH A MIRACLE THAT I WAS GIVEN, AND THAT I ENJOYED SO MUCH BUT TAKEN AWAY TOO SOON.
I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF WORLD THIS IS OR WHY WE ARE HERE AND WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSE TO DO.
ON ONE HAND ALL YOU DO IS TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN MAKE A HAPPY HOME FOR THEM, ENJOY THEM AND ON THE OTHER HAND THERE IS SO MUCH HURTNESS AND PAIN I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS.
ALL I DO KNOW IS THAT I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL SONS, A HUSBAND AND A HOME.
I WILL CONTINUE TO JUST CARRY ON THE BEST I CAN AND WHAT I HAVE LEFT INSIDE OF ME, UNTIL WE ARE ALL TOGETHER AGAIN.
THAT IS WHEN I WILL BE COMPLETE AGAIN, ALL OF US.
SO MY DEAREST BABY I WILL BE WITH YOU AGAIN SOON.
I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER, HONEY.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
YOUR MOM- "I LOVE U"

MY DEAREST BABY,

WELL WE ALL KNOW WHAT TOMORROW IS AND I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU WHAT WE ARE GOING THROUGH.
YOUR BROTHER IS REALLY HAVING A VERY HARD TIME, YOU AND HIM WERE SUPPOSE TO GROW OLD TOGETHER AND TAKE CARE OF ME AND DAD.
WAYNE WAS ALWAYS THERE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND NOW HE IS JUST LOST.
AS FAR AS DAD HE HAS BEEN VERY SICK THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.
I GUESS ALL OF US JUST WILL NOT BE THE SAME UNTIL WE ARE ALL TOGETHER.
MY LOVE I WILL WRITE TO YOU TOMMORROW ON THE "1 YEAR" WHICH I CAN'T EVEN IMAGE AND LIKE I SAID BEFORE I DON'T COUNT DAYS, WEEKS OR YEARS, BUT I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
FOREVER ALWAYS MOM.

GOOD MORNING MY JOEY,

I AM SO LOST. INSIDE AND EVERYTHING AROUND ME.
I JUST WANT SOME GUIDENCE FROM YOU OR JUST TO BE IN PEACE.
I GUESS I HAVE SO MUCH ANGER THAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. THIS SHOULD NOT BE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.
I SHOULD BE ENJOYING YOU GUYS AND THE KIDS BUT YET I AM JUST FIGHTING A BATTLE I CAN'T WIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHY, WHICH I GUESS IS MY BIGGEST QUESTION OF ALL. I HAVE NO ANSWERS.
I WISH TO GOD I DID.
I WISH ANYTHING AT THIS POINT.
I HAVE ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF YOU NO MATTER WHAT AGE YOU GUYS ARE, BUT NOW I AM SO MIXED UP WITH ALL THESE EMOTIONS INSIDE THAT I HAVE TO ACTUALLY TAKE A STEP BACK AND BREATHE.
IF I DON'T STOP AND TAKE A DEEP BREATHE I KNOW I WILL JUST CRUMBLE.
IT'S THAT SIMPLE MY BODY IS JUST SHUTTING DOWN LITTLE BY LITTLE NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY.
I DO TRY TO BE STRONG INFRONT OF DAD AND WAYNE, BUT JOE IT IS JUST WEARING ME DOWN WORSE.
DAD, WAYNE AND YOU ALWAYS LOOKED OUT FOR MOM EVEN WHEN YOU GUYS WERE LITTLE, NOW THAT YOU AND YOUR BROTHER ARE OLDER AND MUCH BIGGER YOU ALWAYS MADE SURE MOM WAS OK.
YOU WERE MY ANGEL HERE. SO MUCH LIKE ME.
I JUST WORRY ABOUT DAD AND WAYNE THEY HAVE SO MUCH ANGER IN THEM.
THERE LIFE IS SO CONFUSING ALSO.
WE NEVER EXPERIENCED WHAT WE HAVE BEEN.
IT IS LIKE THE WORST NIGHTMARE EVER.
I JUST MISS SO MUCH OF YOU TELLING ME EVERYDAY WHAT WAS GOING ON.
YOU WERE LIKE THE NEWS TO ME. I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO WATCH IT, BECAUSE I HAD YOU.
TO HAVE TO TALK TO YOU THIS WAY IS KILLING ME.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHY. SOMETIMES WHICH IS VERY OFTEN I JUST SCREAM IT AND START CRYING. I JUST AM HOLDING ON BY A VERY THIN THREAD HERE, BUT LIKE I SAID I JUST HAVE TO GET WAYNE SETTLED AND DAD.
THEY ARE SO WORRIED ABOUT ME AS I AM FOR THEM.
IT'S JUST CRAZY. IT IS A VICIOUS CYCLE THAT KEEPS GOING ON AND ON EVERYDAY.
WELL MY BEAUTIFUL BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
YOUR MOM FOREVER- "SOON".

MY DEAREST BABY BOY,

WHAT CAN I SAY THAT I HAVEN'T ALREADY SAID FROM MY HEART, SOUL AND SELF BEING AS YOUR MOM AND ANY MOM THAT FEELS OR GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING AS ME.
JOEY, I KNOW WHAT IS COMING UP BUT LIKE I TOLD YOU I DO NOT COUNT THE DAYS, MONTHS AND YEARS ALL I KNOW IS THAT IS FEELS AND SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY. BUT IN MY HEART AND MIND I DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT HORRIBLE ACCIDENT. ACTUALLY I DON'T REMEMBER-(THANK GOD).
LIKE I SAID I JUST THINK TO MYSELF AS IF YOU ARE AT WORK OR THE GYM.
THAT IS THE ONLY WAY THAT KEEPS ME GOING DAY BY DAY.
I KNOW LATELY MY LETTERS TO YOU HAVE BEEN KINDA SHORT, BUT MY BABY I AM JUST NOT DOING WELL AT ALL. I JUST CAN'T EXPRESS OR PUT INTO WORDS HOW I AM FEELING, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE. I OF ALL PEOPLE ALWAYS SAID NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE IF YOU BELIEVE OR WANT SOMETHING BAD ENOUGH.
MY JOE, YOU BASICALLY KILLED ME INSIDE, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT, FEEL OR WHAT TO SAY.
MAYBE THIS IS THE END FOR ME, SO I WILL BE WITH YOU, BECAUSE WITHOUT YOU I AM BARELY MAKING IT.
BOTH YOU AND YOUR BROTHER KNEW THAT ABOUT ME, GOD FORBID IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO MY BOYS.
THAT IS WHY FOR ALL THESE YEARS FAMILY MEMBERS, PEOPLE WOULD ALWAYS SAY "DEBBIE YOU ARE TO OVER PROTECTIVE WITH THE KIDS".
THAT IS JUST THE WAY I WAS. I DIDN'T WANT EITHER ONE OF YOU GUYS TO GET HURT IN ANY WAY.
WELL MY BABY, NOW I GUESS IT IS MY TIME.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR BROTHER IS SETTLED AND DAD.
I JUST CAN'T EVEN EAT, LISTEN TO MUSIC IT'S JUST THAT EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF YOU.
AS IT SHOULD YOU ARE OUR LIFE.
THE FUNNY THING AS IF ANYTHING IS FUNNY IN MY LIFE, BUT I AM IN CHILDREN'S CLOTHES, JOE NOTHING FITS ME. I WENT FROM A 9-10 TO A 7-8 TO A 5-6 THAN 4-2 THAN 0, AND THEY FALL OFF. THE MEDICATION THE DR. GAVE ME TO INCREASE MY APPETITE DID NOT WORK, THE ENSURE EVERYONE WAS GETTING ME DID NOT WORK AND I EVEN TRIED MILK SHAKES EVERYTHING, BUT I GUESS IT IS JUST MY INSIDES THAT AREN'T FUNCTIONING THE WAY THEY ARE SUPPOSE TO.
WELL MY LOVE, I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
MOM FOREVER.

My Joe, My Angel,

What can I say, but it seems like my life is half over, without you here.
I just miss your smile and laugh so much I actually have gotten myself so sick.
I know I will never ever be the same.
I have try everything that I could and everything people have told me might help or
ease this terrible pain I have.
But nothing is helping. No matter what I try to do.
You are my Baby and always will be and that is just something that no one can or anything can replace or fix.
Believe me I have tried to make myself well to a point or to at least function on a daily basis.
I pray to you everyday asking you to help me.
You know how I am with you guys.
I never thought anything could bring me down or put me in a state that I cannot pull myself up.
Half of my Heart and life has left me, and I just do not know how to handle it.
This is something that I would have never dreamed of in a milion years, would happen to me. This is something horrible and something new to all of us and a shock that I just cannot come out of.
It is getting closer to that one year mark and I just can't even think about it.
To me it just does not seem real and I will never accept it or let you go.
I just want to thank the wonderful people out there who take the time and read and write to you on this site.
There are truly sincere and people with very big hearts here. People who actually care. Thanks to all of you.
I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom

HI MY BEAUTIFUL SON,

I JUST WANTED TO SEND ALL MY LOVE TO YOU AS ALWAYS.
MISS YOU SO MUCH THERE ARE NO WORDS.
JOE, THERE IS NOT AN HOUR THAT GOES BY EVERY HOUR OF EVERYDAY THAT WE JUST DON'T
SAY HOW MUCH WE LOVE AND MISS YOU.
AND THAT WE JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
IT HAS TO BE A NIGHTMARE.
WELL MY LOVE, I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
MOM

HEY YOU,
I MISS AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH. WAYNE CAME OVER YESTERDAY AND IT WAS JUST THE THREE OF US. (4) ALWAYS.
WE ALL FELT THE SAME JOE, BUT NONE OF US SAID ANYTHING.
WE PRAYED, AND WE CRIED AND WE KNEW YOU WERE WITH US.
IT WAS JUST A VERY SAD DAY, BUT WE MADE THE BEST OF IT AND GOT THROUGH IT.
WELL MY SWEET BOY, I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
MOM

MY JOE,

THANK YOU FOR YESTERDAY. I JUST ABOUT MADE IT THROUGH THE DAY.
OH MY, IT IS JUST SO DIFFICULT WITH YOU NOT HERE. I NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS WOULD HAVE EVER BELIEVE THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN TO US.
YOU, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE.
SO FULL OF LIFE, SO MUCH TO DO.
YOU WHERE ALWAYS SO BUSY, SOMETHIMES YOU WOULD MAKE ME CRAZY. EVEN WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE. YOU WERE SO BUSY.
YOU REALLY COULD NEVER SIT STILL UNLESS YOU WERE SLEEPING OR WATCHING TV.
NOW THAT I HAVE BEEN THINKING SO MUCH LATELY, THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I AM.
SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME THROUGH THE YEARS, DEBBIE DON'T YOU EVER STOP. YOU ARE ALWAYS MOVING.
WELL JOE THAT IS WHERE YOU GOT IT FROM, YOUR MOM. (HYPER).
I GUESS WE HAVE SO MUCH NERVOUS ENERGY THAT WE CAN'T SIT STILL.
BUT NOW, THE ONLY THING THAT IS RACING IS MY MIND, WHICH I HATE.
THERE ARE SO MANY TIMES I TRY TO BLOCK OUT THINGS THAT POP INTO MY MIND AND IT IS SO HARD.
SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK.
WELL MY BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
MOM FOREVER & EVER

MY SON, MY LIFE, MY MIRACLE,
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO YOU ONE OF MY MOST SPECIAL GIFTS,THAT ANYONE WOULD BE SO PROUD TO HAVE. WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY. YOU AND YOUR BROTHER AND DAD ARE MY EVERYTHING.
JUST LIKE THAT PLAQUE WE HAVE THAT STATES OUR FAMILY CHAIN IS BROKEN, AND NOTHING SEEMS THE SAME; BUT AS GOD CALLS US ONE BY ONE THE CHAIN WILL LINK AGAIN.
HOW TRUE MY BABY BOY, HOW TRUE.
I NEED MY SUNSHINE HERE AND I PRAY EVERYDAY FOR THAT JOE AND I KNOW IT WILL NEVER BE.
UNTIL WE ARE TOGETHER AGAIN.
TO ME THE DAYS ARE EMPTY, I AM SAD ALL THE TIME AND MY LIFE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.
EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT SINCE THAT HORRIBLE DAY.
DAD, YOUR BROTHER AND ME WE WILL NEVER BE.
THERE IS A BIG PART OF US MISSING, THAT WE LOVED AND STILL LOVE SO DEARLY.
SOMEONE WHO MADE US LAUGH AND WE MADE YOU LAUGH. SOMEONE WHO WAS SO KIND.
I JUST ASK YOU EVERYDAY TO GIVE ME THE STRENGTH TO JUST MAKE IT ANOTHER DAY. EVEN THOUGH THE DAYS ARE EMPTY WITH SADDNESS AND SOMETIMES I DON'T THINK I AM GOING TO MAKE IT.
I JUST PRAY AND WISH I COULD FIX IT BUT I JUST CAN'T. IT MAKES ME CRAZY BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS ABLE TO FIX THINGS FOR YOU KIDS.
THAT IS PROBABLY WHATS MAKING ME SO CRAZY.
ALL I HEAR IN MY HEAD ALL THE TIME IS "MOM- MOM-MOM JOE, I AM SO USE TO HEARING YOU CALL ME I WANT TO COME TO YOU AND ASK YOU WHAT HONEY, WHAT DO YOU NEED.
BELIEVE ME JOE, THERE ARE SOME TIMES I HAVE TO STOP MYSELF.
IT IS A HABIT THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE ME EVER.
YOUR MOM IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE HERE/THERE FOR YOU AND WAYNE AND DAD.
UNTIL I AM WITH YOU I WILL FINALLY BE IN PEACE AND THIS PAIN THAT IS INSIDE ME I LIVE WITH EVERYDAY WILL FINALLY GO AWAY.
I COULD BE WITH YOU AND TAKE CARE OR WATCH OVER OUR LOVE ONES.
BABY, IF YOU DO HEAR ME PRAYING OR TALKING TO YOU, YOU KNOW THAT I AM BEGGING YOU WITH ALL THAT I HAVE LEFT, WHICH ISN'T MUCH GIVE ME OR HELP ME WITH ALL THAT KINDNESS AND STRENGTH THAT YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH TODAY.
MY SWEET, BEAUTIFUL SON JOE,
WATCH OVER EVERYONE, I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WE NEED YOU SO MUCH.
I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH.
I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER, ALWAYS.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS.
YOUR MOM FOREVER.

My Joe,

Well Joe tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
It will be the first time you will not be here. I don't know how we are going to handle that. Wayne is working so. Tomorrow will just be another day.
I will just stay in bed. Wayne will be here Friday and I will make us supper than.
It will just be an ordinary day for us and as far as I am concern it will be like you are here, but you are at work or something.
We all are going to have to make it through tomorrow. I don't know how but I guess we will do what we have been doing.
I just keep saying how is this possible.
I can't believe it.
WHY!
But again I get no answers.
So I just wait.
Well my sweetheart I will write to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom Forever

MY JOEY,
WHAT CAN I SAY THAT I HAVEN'T SAID A MILLION TIMES. I MISS YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL.
THERE ARE DAYS THAT I JUST DON'T THINK I WILL MAKE IT.
THAN I THINK OF YOUR BROTHER, THIS HIT HIM LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. YOU KNOW THAT HE IS LIKE DAD AND KEEPS EVERYTHING INSIDE.
I JUST WISH, THATS ALL I DO.
I JUST SAY I SHOULD'VE, COULD'VE WOULD'VE,
AND YOU KNOW JOE I GUESS I AM JUST KILLING MYSELF A LITTLE MORE EACH DAY.
BUT THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO OR SAY.
LIKE I HAVE BEEN SAYING IT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE FEELING ANYONE CAN FEEL.
I JUST WANT AND NEED TO HUG YOU AGAIN.
I FEEL AND THINK TO MYSELF OH JOEY NEEDS ME
AND I NEED HIM. ALL THE TIME EVERYDAY.
NOW THE HOLIDAYS ARE COMING UP AND I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT.
I PRAY AND BEG FOR YOU TO GIVE ME STRENGHT TO MAKE IT DAY BY DAY.
THERE ARE DAYS I JUST STAY IN BED OR JUST WALK THE ROOMS.
I LOOK AT YOUR PICTURES EVERYDAY WITH THAT SMILE OF YOURS AND IT JUST SEEMS LIKE YOUR STILL HERE WITH US.
I KNOW THIS SICK FEELING AND EMPTYNESS I HAVE IN SIDE OF ME WILL NEVER GO AWAY.
I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE OR WON'T BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE NOT HERE ENJOYING LIFE EVERYTHING YOU ALWAYS LIKE TO DO.
YOU AND YOUR CELL AND T.V. AND OF COURSE EATING. OH MY BABY ALL I CAN SAY IS I WILL BE WITH YOU SOON.
IN THE MEAN TIME I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU TO TALK TO LIKE YOU ALWAYS DID.
I GUESS I NEED IT AND WANT IT SO BADLY.
YOU ARE NEVER EVER ALONE HONEY I AM ALWAYS HERE FOR YOU.
WELL MY SWEET BABY I WILL TALK TO YOU LATER.
I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS .
MOM

Hi my Joey,

It's Mom as always sending you all my love.
This is just going to be so hard not that it's already devasting, but I noticed that they are starting to put the Christmas decorations up, on the street lights.
When I first noticed them I actually got sick to my stomach. I just don't know how we are going to make it through.
We just love and miss you so much it just does not seem or feel right without you home.
Everything just seems to be so different.
I guess I just will never believe it or except it.
No matter what we are doing in the house I am always waiting for you to come in the front door or the phone ringing.
It is such a horrible feeling.
Well my Angel I will talk to you later.
I love you forever and always.
Mom